THE GOOD NEWS: Even kids who have locked you out from their bedrooms since seventh grade are likely to welcome—or at least expect—your input at college admission time.

THE BAD NEWS: Somebody in the family needs to be the organized one and stay on top of piles of paperwork and deadlines. Ideally, this should be the student. In reality, it is usually the parent.

You may already have been terrified by tales of parents who seem to make their kid’s college admission a full-time occupation. One private school college counselor remembers such a mother who created a personal scrapbook for her son, had it professionally typeset and printed, hired a writer to compose the essays, and had a secretary fill out all the applications. After submitting the completed packages to her son for his signature, she Fed Ex-ed the whole package to each college.”

At the other end of the spectrum—but by no means alone—is the Brown alumna who recalls that her mother refused to take any part in the application process. “She sent me off on bus and train trips around the country to visit colleges by myself. In retrospect, I suppose it wasn’t such a bad thing. It helped make me independent. But every time an admission interviewer asked me, ‘Are you here today with someone who may have questions?’ then it hurt.”

As a parent, it is critically important that you don’t become too involved in the selection and application process. After all, you are not the one who is going to college, and children should always feel that they have played a key part in this important decision about their lives. Since most will soon be living far enough away that you won’t be there to constantly remind them about daily responsibilities, this is also a good time to make certain that they’re ready to take the reins. Yet, don’t go too much the other way and not give enough support—moral, financial, and even clerical—needed during this sometimes frustrating, always busy period. You should find the best balance between being overbearing and nagging and being apathetic and distant.

Colleges, by the way, don’t give extra credit for parental involvement— nor for students who survive without it. Contrary to what the grapevine tells you, it doesn’t matter who calls to request catalogues or directions, nor how many parents (or sets of parents) are downstairs in the waiting room during an interview. Admission officers only wince when it’s clear that candidates are passing off Mom or Dad’s efforts as their own, like the prepackaged prospect described above or the applicant who can barely speak English but submits an essay that sounds suspiciously like Self-Reliance.

II. Self-Assessment Surveys for Students and Parents

In only the past few decades, the college admission process has become a highly charged, often tense and disruptive experience for many families. Where does all this pressure come from?

* For starters, it comes from colleges themselves. Student recruiting is now a top priority. Schools print more publications and send them out sooner than ever before. They vie for hot prospects by offering free flights and campus weekends, complete with tickets to concerts and sporting events. Exacting application requirements, endless forms, essays, and deadlines all add to the stress.
* Likewise, it comes from society. We live in a designer culture, where name-brand cars, clothes, luggage—and colleges—assure us (and others) that we’ve “made it.” The media, too, is relentless in reminding us of the importance of approaching college in the proper way, and of the capriciousness of admission decisions, even when we do. Stores are brimming with books aimed at enlightening us about the most arcane aspects of the process, while burgeoning businesses prey on fears of substandard test scores.
* Students, of course, put pressure on themselves. Where you live, where your child goes to school, and even the varying personalities that make one senior class different than the next will all determine how college admission affects your family.
* Finally, the really big-time pressure can come from parents. The current generation of upcoming college students is the first with a high percentage of parents who have attended college themselves. Those who went to renowned and prestigious places usually expect their children to do as well. Those from less-celebrated schools often demand that their children do better.

Moreover, with college costs skyrocketing, parents have become savvy and careful consumers. They consider a college education an investment and expect immense returns. They scrutinize schools more critically than their own parents ever did and have more specific questions—and demands-that can also mean more stress at home.

Family life, as well, is not always as simple as it was when Ward and Wally Cleaver conferred in the study, while June baked brownies for the Beaver. Today, some students have one parent; some have more than four. Many have two who barely speak, or who use the college application process as a weapon in their own power struggle.

THE GOOD AND THE BAD NEWS: Both the strengths and weaknesses of parent/child relationships (and parent/parent relationships) will be amplified during the college search.